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Hannah Hearsay: Column 22
Wednesday, December 20
Theatregoers. I am devestated. Not just because this is my last column for 2006. But for
another reason: I am a day late. And I am not talking about my column.
That's right, minions, I, Hannah, as you well know, have not been at all well. I believed
it was my birthday cake (incidentally shaped in the form of a Phantom of the Opera
mask, but with a pretty array of 21 candles that were shaped in the form of three letters:
A, W, A). The candles melted all over the cake, and then the cake didn't taste anywhere
near as good as it did 10 years ago. In fact, the wax of the candles seeped so far into
the cake that there was nothing good left about the cake at all and it tasted disgusting
and I wished I never had the cake at all and it was thrown into the bin after rightfully
being rejected by all the performers at my birthday party.
Anyway. Enough about my cake. Back to my illness.
After visiting my doctor this week, it seems that my 21st birthday/Christmas present from
GOD was a little thing called "a disgrace to your whole family, Hannah. Get
out."
Mum is not happy. Dad is not happy. And I have nowhere to live.
Nobody knows who the father is. But there will be a poll on this website with options of
who my father could be. Whoever wins in the poll will be given a DNA test.
The options are:
1. Hayden Tee
2. Tim Draxl
3. David Campbell
4. Michael Falzon
5. James Miller
6. Mitchell Butell
7. Kane Alexander
8. David Harris
9. Mandy Patinkin
10. Shane Warne
Click here to take
the poll
Whenever I find out who the lucky man is, I will hopefully have a place to stay again. But
unfortunately, it looks like Christmas for me will be spent on the streets this year. No
presents. No family. And no musicals to see. Not that, (after this weeks events), there
were going to be any musicals to see anyway. Except for el-cheapo Priscilla, the
celebration of being debauched and thinking that that is ok and thinking that singing
about it is ok too.
But I will be ok. The Church of Scientology's women's refuge is taking care of me and they
have free internet. If you give them all your financial details, your birth certificate,
your blood group and...your baby.
Anyway, to finish the year off, I would like to list my top five most dazzling events of
2006 on the boards (NB 'On the Boards' is a term used in the industry meaning 'on the
stage'. They call them 'boards' because they used to be boards of wood, before the Howard
Government came in and gave lots of money to turn stages into...carparks.)
So here it is. Hannah's top five theatrical events of the year:
1. Dirty Dancing's success. And consistently wonderful reviews.
2. The news that Wicked was coming to Australia. I am hoping to keep that on my
list for the next 85 years.
3. Hearing how well Adam Garcia performed in Wicked in England.
4. The Titanic debates. These would not be happening if they had have given me
the role in the first place. Eating your choices now, aren't you.
5. Hearing that the first creative step the Blanchett and Upton teams were going to
institute for STC was to install recyclable water tanks at the venue. No doubt, these will
make the programming choices better.
Anyway, back to the Church of Scientology women's refuge now. I look forward to seeing the
results of the poll. And I wish you all a Christmas. I'm sure you'll all have one.
Hannah.
PS: I am very angry that Aunty Mavis has accused me of writing my column on Wednesday last
week just to annoy her. Get with it Mavis – nobody cares about your dumb column. They
care about what a real journalist/mongerer of gossip has to say. And I have been here
longer you, you bad-wigged hag from hell. I heard you talking to your friends the other
night up in Newcastle (where I was visiting my friend Sue-Lim who was in a Christmas
production of Rags up there) claiming I deliberately tried to grab your audience
by writing on Wednesday. Get a life Mavis! No actually, get some kind of old-person's
ilnness and die.
And don't even get me started on Maunder.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 21
Wednesday, December 13
Greetings, theatregoers. It is I.
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear HANNAH
Happy Birthday to me.
You may be wondering why I am singing this song. I'll tell you. Because yesterday was my
birthday, that's why my column is a day late. Not that anyone has bothered sending as much
as a card or an e-greeting. Anyway.
I thought to celebrate the occassion I would answer some questions in this weeks edition.
Questions I am asked over and over again by my minions.
1. Hannah, how old are you? from anon.
Thankyou for asking, Anon. I am actually now 21 years and one day old.
2. Hannah, what is your favourite musical? From Becky in Newcastle.
Dear Becky, asking a question like that is like asking the Pope which of the Saints he
loves more. Like asking Judy Garland what pill she best liked to swallow. Like asking an
ugly, obese person what fast food meal they would pick over any other or like asking Lucy
Durack which dress she most wants to wear. My favourite musicals will have to be broken
down into the following categories: (Please don't get these numbers mixed up with the
question numbers, theatregoers. I know it can be confusing, working with numbers that
aren't of the show variety.)
1. Seven Brides For Seven Brothers. The reason I like this musical will be broken
down.
1. I have always adored the art of wood-chopping. When I was very young I was champion
female under-8's wood chopper in Mudgee where my family's country estate/opal farm is. I
gave it up in my early teens to pursue a career in arts journalism and the mongering of
gossip.
2. The idea of many men
trapped in a log cabin with one little old soprano is enchanting. I actually would prefer
this musical if it was called One Bride and Seven Brothers.
3. There
is not a better lyric in any show, or song, than “Ding-dong Ding a Ling Dong”. A
great, solid ding-a-ling has always brought a tear to my eye.
2. Les Miserables. Why?
1. I think that when Gavroche is shot on the barricades, it is a really charming moment.
After everything that little twit does, (like singing that dumb song about dwarves), the
bullet in his head in second act is a surprise and welcome twist to any theatre-goer
looking for some comic relief.
2. On My Own. Because that’s how Tim Draxl makes me feel.
3. Dog Eats The Dog. Because that’s what I want Elphaba-Fantine to do to Belinda
Wollaston.
3. Wicked. Why?
1. “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”. I like to sing that to my
collection of headshots that I have cut out of programs of various female performers who
will remain nameless. But watch out, girls.
2. When I
was learning about the birds and the bees at high school, I practiced once on a scarecrow.
And now I know I am not alone.
3. My
only sibling I ever had, Heather Hearsay, got squashed under our house. Nobody knows who
squashed her. Nobody ever will.
Now, back to the questions.
3. Hannah, what is your greatest fear? From Arnold in Canberra.
Well Arnold, I am not afraid of anything…be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or
sky. Though I must admit that when I was very small I didn’t ever like the Brady
kids. They made me squeamish and frightened. I thought they were troubled. I thought that
Alice, their housekeeper, was a bit like…well, a bit like Dusty. But with a duster.
And people like that frighten me at times. Like those things in Priscilla and the other
little girls-blouse character in Billy Elliot. That dresses up in… oh, I am
going to be sick.
4. Hannah, what is your favourite food? From Tonya, Mt. Isa.
Tonya, this question is a useless waste of my time.
5. Hannah, how do you know if a boy likes you like that, as in likes-likes you, or when he
just likes you like in the ordinary like way?
This is a good question. It takes signs. You will know if a boy likes-likes you when he
staples his lips together with a stapler when you ask him to do it. Or lets you stick your
nail file under his fingernails to see how long he can last before he cries and says
‘stop it now’. (NB: You have to get through eight of his fingernails to prove
that he likes likes you.) This is something my mum has taught me. Also, a boy like-likes
you when you test him and he succeeds in the tests. I like to call these tests by song
names:
1.
A Little Fall of Rain: If he genuinely
cries when you pretend to be dead, he likes likes you.
2.
As Long As Your Mine: If he still
kisses you when you are a fugly green scrag, he likes likes you.
3.
Stars: If he jumps off a bridge he
likes likes you.
Wait a second. I have just noticed this question was posted by Brett in South East Hobart.
That better be a girls name otherwise…oh, I am going to be sick again.
That’s it from me this week, theatre-goers. I am not feeling well. Maybe too much
birthday cake…. or…
…actually I haven’t been feeling very well many mornings this week…
Until next week, this has been your ever-faithful servant. Hannah.
Hannah.
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Hannah Hearsay: Column 20
Tuesday, December 5
Hello theatregoers, this is Hannah (I am now famous enough to just be known as 'Hannah' in
my view) reporting live.
There's been some reports over the past week about the poor turnout at Industrial
Relations protests across the country. It's not the public that doesn't care, the reason
there was fewer people than hoped was because many of us were at a far more important
protest. We were marching from the Glen Street Theatre to Robyn Nevin's home an an effort
to "Get Robyn To Glen Street". Thousands were involved in the march. If you
haven't caught up with the news, Robyn may not appear in the 10-day season of Love-Lies-Bleeding
at Glen Street, even though she is starring in the play at the Sydney Theatre Company.
It's 10 days, Robyn! Come on. I've had "times of the month" that have gone
longer than that. We picketed Robyn's house for a few hours but there was no movement from
inside. But I think we made our point very clear. Very clear. Have you checked the letter
box, Robyn?
If Robyn Nevin does not make it to Glen Street, I guess I must admit I won't be overly
devastated. My wide spectrum as an actor means I will more than likely be invited to take
her place in the show. I've certainly got a busy year next year - I'm being considered for
roles in several major shows including Karaoke The Musical. Karaoke is one of my
favourite things to do. Ever since I've been in Sydney I regularly go down to the Polish
Club and have a hoot with all the locals on a Friday night. They love their Hannah.
I am in love, theatregoers. With Hayden Tee. I admit I didn't like him for a while there.
I admit I didn't know who he was. But now I am addicted to him and I want him. I have been
waiting at stage door every night at Titanic but it's very strange - Hayden
doesn't seem to appear. That bitch in the cast I won't name does though, and she always
smiles as if she has some sort of pity for me. I don't see why. She only stole my f-ing
role in the f-ing show. I should be Rose and Hayden should be my Leo! Hayden, this is my
poem for you:
Hayden Tee,
I want you with me
We should hug
While we search for bugs
We could laugh
Or share a bath
Either way, you should be mine
Because I think you're fine
I know, it's brilliant. I know. You would think Hayden would return my calls, wouldn't
you. Call me, Hayden. CALL ME.
Not much else to report this week theatregoers. I am currently compiling my Christmas card
list. So must go. Tim Draxl, Lucy Durack.... hang on, where's that red pen!
xx H.
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Hannah Hearsay: Column 19
Tuesday, November 28
Hello theatregoers, it is I, Hannah No-Hyphen. I have chosen to remove my alias-surname
"Hearsay" for the time being as I believe it is deceptive. As nothing I say is
hearsay. It is fact that has been sourced from reliable industry sources, including
myself.
I suppose, again, you have all been wondering where I have been. I hate to admit it, here,
in public, before my minions, but I was in prison.
I will give you a moment to settle.
Why was I in prison? I will tell you. I was in prison after someone believed that my
backpack (containing sheet music and my bootleg DVD of Wicked) was actually a
weapon of some destruction. As I took my seat for the first act of the opening night of Titanic,
a snoopy old woman sitting beside me complained that she could hear what she described as
"ticking". She believed it was coming from my backpack. I told her to shut her
mouth and that it was merely the ringtone of my mobile phone and that she should look at
the stage and keep her trap shut. Then she told me that it is against the law to have your
phone on in a theatre. I told her to keep her trap shut, once more. So she called an
usher. An usher who made me open my backpack and get my phone out and turn it off. She
waited there until I did it.
Upon opening my bag, however, the massive explosive made out of chlorine and various other
pool chemicals from the basement of my home, was unfortunately exposed and I was escorted
from the theatre.
It is claimed, theatregoers, that I was intending to commit an act of terror at the
opening night of Titanic, because of my long running war with Belinda Wollaston
and her constant lies about me from the auditions.
I don't know how the bomb got there, nor who made it. But my mum's new husband, Trevor,
who was already under suspicion for other problems has now been arrested in place of me.
It is understood that since I moved in with my real dad, Trevor has had it in for me. And
he tried to blow me up at my favourite place of all - the theatre.
Bye-bye Trevor.
In other news. Who the hell is Aunty Mavis and what the hell is she doing getting a
column?
That will be dealt with next Tuesday, after we read what it is she has to say. I must say,
though, she looks shockingly like a man. Like those things in Priscilla.
Moving on - I am devastated that my late entry was not considered for the 2006 Pratt
Foundation Prize given the $80,000 prize was not given out because the other shows were
crap. I mean not crap, but you know, not good. My entry, Agent Orange The Musical,
had a lot of quiet support from people inside the industry. ALOT OF IT. It was a very
funny piece that incorporated samba dancing and various uses of multi-lingual rap as well
as the Australian Children's Qantas choir doing a rendition of "I Used To Call THIS
Home" as they ran, naked toward the audience as their clothes fell away. I am
devastated that the $80,000 investment has not been made in it. I even paid the extra for
Express Post and glitter-gel on the envelope.
Talking of outrageous things, I cannot believe nobody recognised me at Double Bay
McDonald’s on McHappy Day. They all went to bloody Aunty Mavis’ register and
didn’t go anywhere near me. I blame this website for not properly promoting me in any
way given the amount of time I spend spraying my industry juices all over it. Mavis gets
this huge photo and blurb last week, and I get bloody zilch. And I don't swear often but
this is just outrageous. And he may not want to admit it, but I saw Tim Draxl deliberately
avoid my line and order a mcnugget meal deal from one of the "usual"
McDonald’s crew. I think it was Lucy Durack, doing her normal job.
Yes, that’s right. He didn’t even order a Big Mac on McHappy Day. That’s
Draxl’s style, really. We should not be surprised.
Before I leave, I have to update you on Elphaba-Fantine, my Afircan sway-dog. She is
enjoying a season at Cheltenham Community Players in the role of Annie's dog in their
musical, Annie. Apparently she is upstaging the lead actor and the audience have
been on their feet, and out of the theatre after simply seeing her. Thats theatrical
satisfaction.
Until next week, theatre-goers, Hannah No-Hyphen...who is waiting with very baited breath
for Mavis' "timely loody advice". Bring it on, beyotch.xx H N-H
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 18
Thursday, October 8
This is Hannah No-Hyphen-Hearsay writing live. That's all you need to know.
I have just returned from the Help Light Light The Night
benefit concert in Sydney. That's right, theatre goers, the humble benefit concert is in
trouble. While parts of the world are at war, there has been a lack of major terrorist
attacks and natural disasters in 2006 and therefore benefit concerts have been few and far
between. So it was good to go to one tonight. This one was to raise money to put on Light
The Night. Good to be able to benefit a benefit concert.
Heard lots of rumours at the concert and while my many, many
friends will be angry at me, I have to break some of these stories because they are just
too big. The first one concerns yours truly. I will be directing a show at the Sydney
Theatre Company next year. I hadn't heard back from STC about my proposal to direct a
piece in 2007 but the rumours were coming in thick and fast tonight that it has been
accepted. It's all part of the STC's new concept to give popular actors directing gigs,
even if they haven't had all that much directing experience. I will be working on a play
called Sharon Goes To Lebanon. It's a very controversial piece.
Another rumour I heard tonight, and one I believe is 100 per
cent correct, is that Cliff Richard The Musical will be coming to Australia next
year. No more details as yet but brace yourself for a smash hit show. Unfortunately, the
script is apparently lacking in strength. Cliff doesn't do drugs, rarely has sex and
hasn't had too many downers in his career, so this can't be the typical biographical
musical.
I just want to point out that the rumours suggesting Belinda
Wollaston and I had dinner this week are not true. I know New Weekly, Woman's Day and all
of those magazines will probably report on it this week, given my huge popularity, but I
need to tell my loyal followers now, it just wasn't true. I was having dinner with an
attractive blonde but I can't say much more because it's all top secret. Actually, I will
tell you a little bit more. You see, I saw this girl, and I felt different than I've ever
felt before. I'm no Dusty, but I guess, well, I felt quite 'attracted' to this girl. But
the dinner was just to explain to her that I'm not that type of girl. I know what God
wanted me to be and I'll stick to that. Even I am fighting this strange feeling within me.
Just a phase, I am sure.
That's all from me this week. Stay happy boys and girls. I'll
speak to you soon.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 17
Monday, October 2
This is Hannah No-Hyphen-Hearsay writing live from a new internet cafe run by
normal, married white people.
I have to say, theatregoers, since I last wrote I have received some really kind and
unexpected mail from many of you- my minions. Unfortunately, however, the amount of mail
exceeds my ability to reply personally to any of it. But thankyou anyway. It's sweet.
News from the rumour mill this week has hit an all time high, but has sent me into an all
time low. "Hooray!," I hear many of you saying, "Billy Elliot is
coming to Australia." Yes. Great.
I say "great" sarcastically, theatregoers.
Instead of jumping from the rafters like some drag queen on heat, this choice of musical
makes me furious. Why on Earth does this country keep producing musicals about Gay people,
or people who do Gay things? First we had The Producers, then Dusty,
then Priscilla and now this. A boy who DANCES with girls. And don't even get me
started on his best friend who, it is believed, does a drag number in his mothers clothes
in the production.
Are you hearing me theatregoers? ONE MALE CHILD DOES BALLET and THE OTHER DRESSES IN
WOMEN'S CLOTHING. These are CHILDREN. I don't know where the producers of our country get
off sending out messages like this, but I for one intend to make a stand. And soon. In
ways that many of you might find uncharacteristic. Frightening, perhaps. But I digress...
What happened to the days of good, healthy, wholesome musicals without gay people in them?
The days when the men wore suits and tapped and sang love songs to WOMEN? This new influx
of gay people into musical theatre is a very sudden and scary phenomenon, and I have had
enough of it.
In other news, Titanic started 'rehearsals' this week, I believe. Unfortunately I
will only be able to see half of opening night, and I have no time to see any of the other
'performances' because I will be working hard on a top secret project that many of you
will hear about very soon. Probably on the news, or in the papers. Somewhere big, anyway.
No, theatregoers, it is NOT Chernobyl. Unfortunately Chernobyl has been
put on the backburner for a short time just due to some problems with finding adequate
people to accompany me. The right look for a sophisticated production of this kind is hard
to come by. And right now, I am the only one with a suitable Chernobylian-look. But this
new project will be a bigger disaster than Titanic or Chernobyl could
ever have been, and I am really looking forward to it. I can't say too much more.
On the developmental side of things, the rumour mill claims this week that TV hearthrob
Baby John Burgess is said to have taken pen to paper after being commissioned to write a
new musical for the MTC to produce, (and the STC to whack into their program too.) A
Wheely Big Adventure is the working title of this new project- a musical expose of
the behind-the-scenes dramas of Australia's longest running game show, The Wheel of
Fortune.
NEWS JUST IN!!!
 Ohmygodohmygodohmygooooodddd!!!
It can OFFICIALLY be announced, theatregoers, that The Lion King is coming to
Australia! That's right! The smash hit Disney sensation is to open at Sydney's Capitol
Theatre...
Wait.
Sorry theatregoers. That was an old press release that somehow made it's way back into the
unread section of my inbox.
Sorry. Scratch that.
Well thats all from the rumour mill for another week. But before I leave you, I have
attached a special surprise to this weeks column. This is a photo of my new dog,
Elphaba-Fantine-Imos No-Hyphen-Hearsay. Imos, her middle name, stands for "In Memory
of Sheila".
My real-Dad bought Elphaba-Fantine for me this week. He said I had been through so
much with Mum and my-Stepdad's joint arrests that I deserved a treat. She is now my new
theatre companion and I can't wait to show her off at opening night of Titanic. Lots of
Love, H-H-N-H
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 16
Wednesday, September 20
A HEARTFELT CORRESPONDENCE FROM HANNAH NO-HYPHEN-HEARSAY
This is Hannah No-Hyphen-Hearsay writing (from her heart and not from the rumour
mill), from a pokey little internet cafe in Sydney's Surry Hills. I am semi-sorry you have
not heard from me in such a long time. Things have been going on. With you... but
especially with ME.
I would like to entitle this week's column "TO MY APPARENTLY-FAITHFUL
MINIONS....IF ANY OF YOU EVEN CARE".
Mum and Trevor have been arrested. The federal police found a kilo or two of stuff in our
basement at both our Cheltenham and Double Bay properties which have caused some
suspicion. Trevor, mum and I all maintain it is chlorine for our three swimming pools (and
the indoor and outdoor spas) and also another chemical that is essential for varnishing
marble bench tops and polishing out the silver-rim of downlights. Anyway, legally, I am
not allowed to talk about it too much.
As it turns out, my real-dad wasn't all bad, and I have moved back in with him -
here in Surry Hills - until the hearing is over. I was surprised, on the return trip to
real-Dad, to discover that he has a pretty amazing collection of Barbra Streisand and Judy
Garland memorabilia and an extensive array of theatre playbills dating back to the early
days of Broadway. He had bought them for me as a Christmas present last year, but all his
mail was consistently returned to him after the AVO was taken out.
Anyhow, because Mum milked all the money out of real-dad during the divorce/custody
proceedings, he doesn't have an internet of his own. Or a television. Or a radio. or a
toaster. But, anyway, it's only a short walk away to this netcafe/Thai restaurant... but,
regardless of the short journey, it has taken me some time to find it. There are many
"multi-racial/multi-sexual types" here who I was afraid to walk past in case of
terrorist/sexual-abuse activity, so it's the first time I have ventured the entire way to
the cafe. But now, thank heavens, I have finally made it and am able to write to all of
you - my never-faithful minions. As an added (and surprise) bonus - the spring rolls and
masaman beef here is very good.
All in all, my very own laptop has been seized by the authorities for a cavity search, and
that is why it has been such a long time since I have written.
But that is not the only reason I haven't written. You may have noticed, 65 words ago, I
referred to you as my "never-faithful" minions. This was not a typo. No. Not at
all. It was very much intended - so here goes:
I must also admit that I have been very upset with you, theatregoers. Really upset.
And I needed to take some time out from all of you. Like a lover, you and I needed a
break. And, like in all relationships I experience, this is because of things that YOU
have done to ME:
I would like us all to recall, a few weeks back, when I was trying my DARNEDEST to put
together a list of top ten hottest musical theatre stars in our country... by your
selection. As it turns out (and as humiliating as this is for me to voice) NOT A SINGLE
ONE OF YOU WROTE. When I asked FIVE TIMES. This not only obliterated my research into our
top 10 hottest stars of the singing-stage... but it also hurt my feelings. It made me feel
that the journalist-side of my performer/journalist-double-career was being disrespected
and under-appreciated. But the shocks don't end there.
As it turns out, (in the last month when I have not been at liberty to write because of
various legal proceedings already delineated in the earlier part of my letter), the
imbecile who runs this website (and interviews DREADFULLY, I might add) has contacted me
to say that there have been quite a number of requests to have my
reviews/rumours/reports/recollections returned to the website. If that is a request, well
the answer is yes. I WILL come back. But I am not here to serve just you. It would be
nicer if the experience was a little more interactive - WHEN ASKED FOR - or I will just go
to England or America where I am a dime a dozen and they beg for me.
I am also majorly hurt that events like my break-up from Tim Draxl and the death of Sheila
received not a SNIFF of a reaction. People DIED here. Hearts were broken. So it's all very
well for you to fill out surveys demanding "more Hannah" or sending messages
saying "Where is Hannah?" but what about what HANNAH NEEDS? A simple VOTE for a
hot musical star, a simple LETTER saying sorry to hear about the SH*T that Tim Draxl and
Lucy Durack put you through, a note of support to help me in my defence in that assault
case against Belinda Wollaston, a Good Luck card or flowers to congratulate me for my
achievements in Chernobyl... or maybe just a hello once in a while. Is that too
much to ask?
Until this happens, theatregoers, I am sorry - but I can't divulge too much more secret
industry-information that only I am privy to. I am also sorry if this has been a full-on
message. And sorry if you are all anxious for the MAJOR information I am choosing to
withhold until you do what I tell you to do. And yes, I am sorry that I have not written
in some time. But the one thing I am NOT sorry for, theatregoers, is for not being sorry
about any of it.
I will return to you before Sunday with gossip from our thriving industry. And by God do I
have alot of it. ALOT. But until then, I want YOU to think about what YOU have done to ME.
And then, and only then, do you get your news.
Yours in pain, (which may also be because of the hideous levels of MSG at this goddam
Thai-phoid cafe)
A Horribly Hurt Hannah No-Hyphen-Hearsay.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 15
Thursday, August 10
This is Hannah Hearsay-No-Hyphen writing live from her laptop in god knows where.
That's right, theatregoers, I am currently overseas somewhere in Russia on a research trip
for "Chernobyl". I have a meeting lined up with some survivors - in some cases,
half-of-them. I am really looking forward to meeting Augusta Romanjkivejnov, who assisted
in writing some of the lyrics from personal accounts by her three-eyed grandmother.
Regardless, the trip has already been hectic. It took me 108 hours of flying time to
arrive and after a severe bout of in-air gastro, I must admit that both myself and the
passengers sitting around me, were very glad of our arrival. All I can say is that they
should make the chuck-bag bigger to avoid seepage and explosion.
Now, sitting on the plane, I had time to contemplate the absolute HORROR of this year's
Helpmann Awards. Some adjectives I would like to use to describe the "event"
would be insulting, disrespectful, deliberately-controversial and in many accounts -
WRONG.
Let's go through it shall we? First of all, the actors. How on EARTH did Tamsin Carroll
win? To me, this was the shock of the night. With Magda Szubanski primed for the top-gong,
and wearing her best outfit, the screams of disgust from the attendees on the night when
foul-voiced Carroll took the prize were palpable. When a top rate singer like Szubanski
can be pipped at the post by a non-singing lesbian with fake-blonde hair (and a fake
boyfriend, by all accounts) we have to question where in the world this industry is going.
Though I thought Dusty was incredible, the only thing letting it down were two
aspects - the choreography by Coleman (probably the worst choreographer this country has
ever seen) and of course, Carroll.
Then came the male performers. DAVID CAMPBELL!? David Campbell CAN NOT SING. Is everybody
deaf? And as much as we all want to give them a little nudge, a production company show
isn't really a show, now is it? I understand we all want to support it, the way we support
say, an old lady crossing the road, but for goodness sake. One thing I will say for
Campbell, however, is that his speech was all class. He did send out a special thankyou to
Judi Connelli, the performer everyone thought would take about best male performer in the
category had she been nominated.
And then comes best show. SIMON PHILLIPS CANNOT DIRECT! Is everyone blind? When you
compare the elegance, sense of humour, charm, whip-cracking pace and lucidity of the flow
of Dusty with the mess that was 26th Yearly Southern Country Spelling Bee's...you
are left with only one conclusion. The awards were RIGGED. There wasn't even a BEE in the
show. At least in Cats you got cats. Anyway, my sentiments were very much shared
by a man in the foyer who was waxing lyrical about the sick state of our awards systems. I
don't know who he was...I recognised him from Bert I think... but anyway he felt the same
about Dusty as I did.
One moment of the night that I most thoroughly enjoyed was when my grandad performed live
onstage at the pre-awards. He got an honourary Helpmann for helping out in the Jazz world.
A world that now seems to have passed on, unlike grandad.
In other news, I will now be going by the name Hannah Hearsay-No-Hyphen as you may have
noticed. It was announced to me by e-mail that Kate Maree-Once-Hoolihan has been billed in
the Boy From Oz program as Kate-Maree-Hoolihan again. So she stole her name back.
Unfortunately legal proceedings may be going ahead, but not until I have finished
community service for my false-conviction of assault on Belinda Wollaston in the NIDA
toilets earlier in the year.
Sadly, I was in the air on my way to my very important research trip when Belinda's
cabaret show was on. Oh well. Another time, I guess sweetheart. Perhaps you can come and
see my cabaret show "Everything About Belinda Wollaston Has Been Around Twenty
Minutes Too Long" when I get back.
Spamalot is coming to Australia - so I hear. Finally someone has written a
musical about that annoying junk email. There's so many great songs in the show, too, such
as "I don't need a bigger penis" and "Drugs are cheap enough". The
show should be good but I am not sure about the casting - word is the Demtel Man has been
cast in the show alongside Spamela Anderson. HAHAHAHA Theatre-goers, that was a little
joke from me to you! I Kill me! Pamela Anderson won't, of course be in it, I was just
playing with the sound of her name (ie Pam sounds like Spam..."you don't same Pam,
you say SPAM"...hence, the joke. Hahaha. I Kill me twice!)
Well theatregoers, I will be staying in Russia overnight just for tonight, then it's 108
hours straight home where I will be sure to get up to speed on the goings on of our
thriving theatre business.
Before I go, a poem I want to dedicate to Dusty. The best musical ever put
together.
Dusty, O Dusty
You weren't at all crusty
...But sadly you missed out on the gong.
But Dusty, dear Dusty,
Bright, glitzy and lusty
You tore my heart in two pieces-
Like a thong.
Until next week, this has been Hannah Hearsay-No_Hyphen bringing to you first. x x
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 14
Monday, July 10
This is Hannah Hoolihan-Hearsay writing live from her very own laptop in Double Bay.
That's right, theatre-goers, I can officially disclose my previously-undisclosed-location
now that my father is safely behind bars after being charged with the murder of my poodle,
Sheila Hoolihan-Hearsay*. After extensive police investigation, it turns out that my
father was responsible for the Sauna-slaying. He is now currently locked away in an
undisclosed-slammer in Sydney and was unable to raise bail. Which is a relief to myself,
mum and Trevor.
All in all, it has been a stressful season for me - but I am feeling much stronger within
myself now that my tenure in hospital is over. My Titanitus has officially been cured, for
now, and I am back on both the boards and the keyboard, bringing you Australia's theatre
news first. And I have learned alot from my stint. But it's great to be back.
The Helpmann's have officially been announced. And I must say that the nominees are
thoroughly exciting. The throng of thespians thrust into theatre's night-of-nights is both
thrilling and thought-provoking. But I am a little concerned. Why? I will tell you. I have
ventured into discussion forums both here at aussietheatre.com and various other websites,
and I must say - from the response that this year's Helpmann's appear to be getting - the
2006 nominees seem to be the most controversial in our country's history.
But I only have one response to the variety of debates that have been presented since the
announcement of these nominations: apples and oranges. That's right, theatregoers. Apples
and oranges. You may be curious to understand what I mean about this seemingly-perplexing
metaphor. I will explain it to you. I have my clinical psychologist from the private
hospital to thank for opening my eyes to this life-changing theory. And now, my
ever-faithful followers, I pass this mantra onto you.
Apples and Oranges. Take Belinda Wollaston's "victory" in Titanic. I
presented that audition panel with a very ripe, and very tasty orange. An orange that
seemed, for all intents and purposes, the natural choice for the role of Kate Winslet. A
role, that is clearly orange in flavour, texture and shape.
Belinda, however, presented them with an apple. A very curious, unexpected, unripe, nasty
little apple.
Some people are allergic to apples. Hate them. Think they taste awful. Want to DIE after
eating them. Would NEVER - NOT IN A MILLION YEARS - choose to pick an apple over an
orange. And all of us, I am sure, would agree with that. "Orange? Yum!
Definately!"... "Apple? Yuck! No way!" This does not mean, however, that an
apple can't make it to the bottom of a barrel and get randomly selected to be eaten,
against all odds. It also does not mean the orange isn't the best orange ever tasted. It
just means that a very strange and random set of circumstances occurred that allowed a
bitter, wrinkly-skinned little apple to somehow make it through to the hands of the fruit
selector. And sometimes, as hard as it is for all of us all to believe, some fruit
selectors prefer the taste of an apple to an orange. And that's fine. The role of Kate
Winslet, I think, is a strongly orange one. Nobody would contend that fact. Coupled with
that, I think audiences will be expecting an orangey performance. But if the
"creatives" responsible for the production saw it as more appleish, then who am
I to argue? After all, it is their money. Their show. And It is their head on the chopping
block.
I, personally, feel sorry for all the audience members who are buying a ticket to see a
more citrusy performance, only to be presented with a Granny Smith, but I am sure that
there will be something else in the show that may whet their appetites. As it turns out, I
am in deep consideration for the role of Kim in Miss Saigon, now, anyway, so I
guess the clever hands of fate sort things out the way they should be sorted in the end.
"Why does this girl smell of ORANGE trees"...say the Saigon lyrics. And
I think that message is coming through quite clearly from our good old friend, Fate.
In other news, musical-theatre veteran and vocal-aficionado Magda Szubanski has been
nominated for the coveted Best Female Actor in a Musical Award at this years Helpmann's.
After years of exhilarating and moving musical-prowess on our stages, it is exciting to
see this expert singer finally nominated for an award she truly deserves. I am very much
looking forward to her debut cabaret show, "Just Magda and the Mic" where she
will sing such hits as "People Who Need People", Defying Gravity", "On
My Own" and "Move On" from Sunday in the Park With George.
Pop-prince Mandy Patinkin has just left Australia. For anyone lucky enough to see him in
his all-singing, all-dancing rock-concert-extravaganza, I am sure you will share with me
this sentiment: WOW. I was lucky enough not only to interview Amanda (which is his full
name) after his concert series, but also to sing for him privately in his Sydney Hotel
Room. "Hannah", he said to me in a light falsetto and that boyish smile that is
only his, "After listening to you sing at me, you have re-affirmed my belief in one
thing: People should only do what it is they are meant to do". Words from a master,
indeed. And because of him, I will continue to sing out loud and proud every day of my
life.
And finally for this week's column, I can officially announce one piece of very exciting
news. The much talked-about, much-anticipated Chernobyl: the Rock Opera will make
its semi-professional World Premiere at the end of this year. Opening in Hobart,
Chernobyl will star "A Current Affair's" Quintin in the supporting romantic
role of Carlisle, and Hannah Hoolihan-Hearsay in the lead role of amputee, Simone - the
little girl who runs into alot of bad luck. This casting is, of course, unconfirmed, until
in-demand actress Hoolihan-Hearsay knows further about her commitments as Kim in the
upcoming tour of Miss Saigon.
Until next week, theatre-goers, keep going to all that theatre. And remember: an apple on
stage keeps the audience away.
*An official "apology" must be forwarded, at this point, to Tim Draxl and Lucy
Durack. Although officially released from suspicion for the heinous crime of murdering
Sheila the Poodle, they still remain guilty of many things that are, as yet, unable to be
tried by judicial law as it stands in this country. These crimes include: being deceptive,
cheating and ruining the self esteem and breaking the heart of an innocent actor/reporter.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 13
Monday, June 5
Hello theatregoers. This is Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay writing live from her laptop in a
hosital bed in an Undiclosed Private Hospital. It has been yet another gobsmacking week
for Australian theatre this week, and although I am unwell my position as soldier of the
theatre cannot deny me of you - my ever faithful minions.
That's right, theatregoers, I have been diagnosed with a temporary condition known
as "illusional mental disorder" by Doctor Mindy Patonkune - my psychological and
occupational therapist. This disease, I am assured, is only a temporary one. And one that
is brought on, as I am told, by SHOCK.
I am forbidden to disclose the catalyst of the SHOCK that has led to my temporary -
but catastrophic - mental illness. I am also forbidden of mentioning the words "THAT
BITCH BELINDA WOLLASTON GOT INTO TITANIC AS THE LEAD ROLE OF KATE WINSLET"
as I was, by all reports, saying these words in fast succession over and over again when I
was brought here, to the private hospital.
As it turns out, Titanic has already been a victim of controversy. Many people
have been saying that the casting has been selected oddly. And that the show is actually a
vehicle for new talent, as opposed to established talent. I would assume, given my
experience with Cheltenham Theatre Company in Bombshells 2 and my various other
semi-professional escapades, that this explains the fact that I didn't in the end, get
chosen for the coveted role of Kate Winslet. Apparently, for her sake, they have changed
the character's surname to McGowan. Everybody knows that Belinda Wollaston is not a good
enough actor to play the REAL Kate Winslet, so altering the surname to suit whatever it is
she is going to do seems appropriate.
I apologise, theatregoers, my nurse is here and I have to hide my laptop for a moment.
Apparently I am not allowed to communicate with the outside world for at least two weeks.
But being a roving reporter comes with it's responsibilities.
Ok I am back. My nurse, Audrey Macdonalds, just injected me with some sedatives, so I
apologise for any typos.
It hasn't been all bad here, theatregoers....oh no....it's been great in many ways. I have
made a new friend in Ward C named Chelsea Gibbson. Chelsea, as it turns out, is also an
avid theatregoer and has performed in a professional show. She knows all there is to know
about the goings-on in the theatre world. She is currently undergoing a chicagoptomy -
it's a pretty full on procedure that removes elements of the memory relating to vulgar
backstage behaviour - where Chelsea sustained most of her serious injuries.
Anyway, Chelsea has furtively passed on the news from the outside world this week. And
now, as your servant, I pass it onto you.
The big news this week is that the Sydney Theatre Company funding crisis is about to get
worse. I’ve been told that the man who hangs the really big Myer promotions flags at
The Wharf is about to get the kick, while the person who takes the multiple sponsorship
cheques to the bank has been complaining about her workload and will be let go because of
it. She was actually signed in at the hospus today and all she could keep saying is
"Gotta make them look poor...yes madam....gotta make them look poor...". Things
are certainly grim for the STC.
The Woman In Black is soon to open at the Theatre Royal with non-singers taking the
leads. This seems a little ridiculous to me as Andrew Lloyd Webber is normally very picky
about who he chooses to voice his roles. Promoted as a "theatrical thriller",
WIB is set to Star John Waters, most famous for his rendition of 'Let's Put Hamble's
Knickers Back On' in the hit tv soap, Play School. A precursor to the smash hit film
"The Men In Black", WIB is a Victorian take on the arrival of aliens in an old
house on a hill in ye olde England.
On the grandscale front, The Boy From Oz's Hugh Jackman is apprently being paid
$250,000 a pop for playing the homosexual high-kicker, Peter Allen. Although this sort of
money could fund an entire cast for a ten week season in any theatre in this country,
Jackman has nice eyes and charming dimples. If you pay $490 for particular A-reserve
seats, you may get a glimpse of both.
In more encouraging news, the Top Ten Hottest Musical Theatre Stars nominations are
through. In no particular order, the hottest stars, as voted by you are as follows:
1. Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay
2. Tim Draxl
3. David Campbell
4. Simon Gleeson
5. Marina Prior
6. Rachel Beck
7. Ian Stenlake
8. Mitchell Butel
9. Amanda Harrison
10. Peter Cousens
Unfortunately, Lucy Durack and Belinda Wo-wo-wo...A
wo-wo-wo-wo-wo...awo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo...
(...excuse me a second. My anxiety levels just sky rocketed and the nurses are running
back...)
Where was I? Oh yes, unfortunately, some performers didn't make it onto the list due to
tallying problems. In any case, I will be writing a bio on each performer, as chosen by
you, over the coming weeks. Then we will have a culling session where you, theatregoers,
can drop the axe onto the head of a performer you don't really believe deserves the
coveted role. Tim Draxl hs already been culled unfortunately, as only one nomination came
through for him and that was from tim@draxl.com and we all know what that little stunt was
about.
Until next week theatregoers, this has been Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay bring all the news to
you first.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 12
Monday, May 22
John Frost didn't like my idea. I don't care. That is why theatre is struggling in this
country. Because of men like him.
Hello Theatregoers, this is Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay writing live from her very own laptop.
And you heard right, "Titanic: Queen of the Desert"/"Ship of
Queens"/"Priscilla Goes Down" was pitched and rejected by
"acclaimed" producer John Frost. He said that the ticket buying public would not
understand how a ship could sink in the Australian outback. I told him "Easy. Let it
hit Ayres Rock". He said his original criticism remained the same. So, to get back at
him, I auditioned for Titanic. And I'm pretty sure I got in. For this reason, news from
the indutry is on hold this week.
First and foremost, I have to tell you- I think I am going to get the role of Kate
Winslet. But now I would like to describe to you, step by step, how this victory came to
pass.
HOW TO GET THAT ROLE:
THE MAKING OF A NEW AUSTRALIAN STAR
(A written documentary, ©2006, Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay)
7.am The big day. My callback. I couldn't believe I got a call back without an agent. I
told the panel I was self-represented at the original audition, and they seemed thrilled
to hear that news. Anyway, I woke and had a bowl of Coco-Pops. But without milk. Milk
causes mucus build ups on the vocal folds (and also gives me hives). I once heard Marina
Prior say that Coco-Pops were her secret weapon before an audition. She imagines them as
thousands of little negro-spiritual singers entering her body and giving her
performer-instincts a shot of soul. So I ate my bowl of black singers and new that today
was going to be a good day.
7.15am I put Titanic into the DVD and rehearsed my scene with it. I needed to get Kate's
exact phrasing and internation. I had been given the most difficult scene from the film
and I had to be as prepared as possible.
8am. Mum and my step dad Trevor backed-up the hire truck in the driveway. While I oiled
and ran a red rinse through my hair, they took my ex-grandma's antique chaise-lounge out
of the basement and loaded it into the truck. At any audition, props are essential. Let
that be a lesson, theatre goers.
9am Two hours before the callback. With the chaise loaded, my lines down pat, and my hair
a vibrant auburn- I was ready. Mum and Trevor both knew they weren't to talk to me
otherwise they would pollute my preparation.
10am We arrived at NIDA. I had only been there once before- for my audition for the Acting
Course last year. I got in, but didn't take it. Because I like to wear shoes and smell
nice.
10.15am The first in a series of "nervous poo's". Most people are shocked by the
onset of a nervous poo, but, theatregoers, one thing that all professionals will tell you
is that the nervous poo is your best friend. A nervous poo- or as I like to call it
"The Fountain of Freedom"- is your bodys way of saying "Relax, Hannah, this
role is yours...out with wasted worry, out with self doubt and out with the
competition". These negative feelings are all contained in the faecal matter and the
body quickly rids itself of them to let you know everything is A.OK. This is a lesson I
learned from an interview I conducted with Dame Joan Sutherland, who according to all
reports, could out-poo anyone in the industry.
10.30am. I let the lady at the desk know I had arrived. It was tough to find her amongst
the sea of gays and newspaper reporters. I thought, when I arrived, I heard a few whispers
"That's her...that's the one I was telling you about" and somebody else said
"Great. That's my shot gone". There was some confusion as to why my name wasn't
on the list. But this was easily cleared up when I told the lady that my name was Lucy
Durack, just to get the ball rolling.
10.35am Nervous Poo 2 arrives. I noticed a couple of my coco-pops had come unstuck. This
brought on Nervous Poo 3.
10.37am Trevor and mum arrived, carrying the chaise lounge up the stairs and into the
audition studio. This was where the trouble started. Belinda Wollaston was auditioning,
sure, but we were as quiet as possible while we placed the couch down and set the painting
easel up. There was a musical break in the middle of her song, so I whispered to her
"These are my props, please dont touch them. They are not for you to use.
Understand?" Some reports, coming straight from her, have claimed that I used words I
didn't use.
10.40am Beginnings of Nervous Poo 4 arrived.
10.41am Nervous Poo 4 complete.
10.42am Belinda Wollaston enters the toilets. She is obviously angry with me for
interrupting her audition. NOTHING HAPPENS. I DON'T TOUCH HER. NOTHING. And I certainly
didn't put that bruise on her face. I know for a fact she did it to herself in the toilets
to try and get me black listed before my audition. 'Threatened' isn't in vogue this
season, Belinda.
10.51am Four minutes before my audition. I remove my clothing.
10.52am I ignore the stares in the foyer. Preparation is the key and sometimes preparation
threatens people.
10.54am I sit and fill out my forms. I realise, in horror, that I am not entirely as
prepared as I wanted to be. I could have done with extra hair-dye to... complete... the
image. They will know I am not a real red-head and I panic. But it's too late. They call
me in.
10.55am THE AUDITION. Without saying a word, I walk, with confidence in my nudity (though
a little afraid of my 'give away patch' being spotted), to the pianist. I hand her
"My Heart Will Go On". She goes to say something, but I raise a hand to silence
her. Removing a pencil from my hand bag, I hand it to Tyran- the audition reader.
Wide-eyed, he is stunned by my attention to detail. I lay on the chaise-lounge and whisper
"Draw me, Jack." And then the music starts. The rest, as they say in the
classics, is history.
John Diedrich, the director, said he was astounded and the dance-instructor Joanne said
she had never seen anything like it in her entire career. So, now theatregoers, it is the
waiting game. This can be the toughest time, but I know from the reaction of the panel,
that my role has come.
Until next week, this has been Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay (aka Kate Winslet), bringing
it to you first.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 11
Wednesday, May 3
Hello, Theatregoers! This is Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay, writing live from her laptop. And I
must say, I am wetting myself with excitement writing the column this week. Literally
wetting myself. Because I have a fabulous idea.
But first, to my reviews. On my recent trip to Sydney I went to see Wild With
Style, Bravo! and Dusty and they were all A-MAZING.
I wasn’t going to see Dusty again but I won $85 on the Queen of the Nile
poker machine so I treated myself to a third serving of the lyrical lesbian
phenomenon. And let me say, it is such a better show the third time around. No matter
what the critics say, this story is so well-told, and I was moved to tears in the
second act when Tamsin sat on the bed. I had missed this part on previous viewings, and it
truly blew me away. The bed, to me, clearly represents the debauched life that Dusty 'fell
into' during the interval. Blanketed by hidden shame, smothered like a head with a
pillow by public expectation, and living Queen-sized for so long, it was clear that the
most interesting part of the story was that which was not seen. I coin this as "The
Theatrically Unseen". Those moments in a show where you learn more from what is not
said, not sung...and not seen. The Theatrically Unseen in Dusty is the most
interesting part of the show, and took place between the first and second act, when
Dusty's life was truly breaking down. While others bought wine and cashews, I sat in my
seat and sobbed, knowing full-well, before anyone else in that theatre, what was to come.
And for me the bed in act two exemplified this.
As for Bravo!, I was happy with most of it, but I was disappointed by
Steve Irwin. He didn’t say Crikey once. But I may be being over-critical
as I had just been to see David Campbell one-on-one, which was a tingling
experience. The Bravo! boys in their threesome offered a different kind of
experience, but I think it would be great to do all four of them together at once.
In other news, it appears that competition is already being created between Titanic
and the new homosexual-musical Priscilla, both of which were announced this week.
And this is when I had the idea that has made me wet myself: I, Hannah Hoolihan
Hearsay, am going to suggest to the producers that they blend both shows
together to solve any ticket-selling rivalry!!! And here is how I shall pitch this
idea:
The title could be Titanic - Queen of the Desert or, perhaps, Priscilla
Goes Down. The plot lines are quite easily culminated. Three Drag Queens
board a ship, looking for a new life. Nobody understands them, particularly the first
class passengers. The opening number "Ship of Dreams" from Titanic
could easily be converted to "Ship of Queens". Or, if you'd rather, the opening
song of Priscilla, "I've Never Been To Me", could be altered to
"Oiv Navar Bin To A-mare-eeca". Either way - an easy blend.
Following this, the drag queens mime to "I Want to Be a Ladies Maid",
which makes the steerage passengers fall in love with them...men and women alike. If Dusty
has taught us one thing, it is that there is nothing wrong with exploring this IF IT IS
PRETEND. Anyway, the steerage passengers realise that the transexual
strangers aren't, in fact, strange at all - they are just in search of a new
life and new lands, like everyone on board the mighty cruiseship, Priscilla.
HOWEVER, war breaks out between those in steerage (who have all learnt that you can
still be rough-and-rag-about, but you can do it with a good lippie and a pair of
stillettos) and the first class passengers (who are bad because they are rich, and do
not understand these strange others and their pop-music ways). And so, the war rages
aboard mighty Priscilla until... BANG. REALITY HITS JUST AS THE ICEBERG DOES. With a
flurry of wigs, sequins and people screaming "Jeeesus, what 'appened to my
Fakies", the luxury liner runs smack into the glacier (coloured pink for the
sake of the blend). Then it is interval.
I have to take a breath here, as this is my favourite part: In interval, some of
"The Theatrically Unseen" moments occur, where the panic of the damaged
Priscilla has caused the stuffy first class to explore aspects of themselves that their
impending deaths have brought to a fore. Thus, they all dress up in Drag in order to turn
the tragedy of the sinking into something Faaabulous.
Second Act opens with the entire cast clad in heels and sequined
life-vests as they sing "I Love The High Seas - But I Need A Dinghy, Or a
Disco-Floor Aaaahhh! Oh Yeah". And they dance to the number, led by the small band of
players on the upper decks (these men can be easily converted to DJ's for this purpose).
This doesn't have to make sense to the audience - it is simply justified by having
happened in The Theatrically Unseen moments in interval.
Anyway, moving on - Priscilla slowly sinks into the icy seas and its passengers,
particularly those new to high heeled shoes, find it increasingly hard to hold their
balance on the sloping decks. It is here that one passenger could sing "Take A Letter
Maria", but re-interpret it to be about an Irish fellow who wants to have his final
words taken down by Maria, the ships scullery-whench, in order to have his love
immortalised in prose to the Irish lass he has left back home, and whom he will
never see again. Just when all hope seems lost, and he and the other passengers begin to
slide worryingly down the deck, a Chinese girl enters from the maiden-head and helps
the passengers stay upright by shooting ping pong balls at them from her
womanhood.
In the end, they all die. But there is a terrific mega-mix.
I am very excited about this pitch and will be sending it, by mail, to producers of
both shows this week.
Until next week, keep going to all that theatre. This has been roving reporter -
and ideas woman - Hannah Hoolihan Hearsay bringing it to you first! xx
P.S: Keep those nominations coming in for "Top Ten Hottest Musical Theatre
Stars" at hannah@aussietheatre.com.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 10
Monday, April 17
This is Hannah Hoolihan-Hearsay reporting LIVE from an internet cafe in Bronte,
because this couldn't wait.
Theatregoers, it has been one helluva week in our
thriving industry. Let me start at the very beginning. It's, as always, a very good
place to start:
Word on the street is that the ever-speculated Australian production of Wicked
is FINALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. Thanks to your efforts at various fundraisers,
and the irritatingly consistent public-auditions of performers at various
benefits over the past three years, producers have finally decided to bring the
smash-hit Broadway musical to the Australian stage. I've been told by an extremely
unreliable source that the company producing the show is the Sydney Theatre Company.
Rumours suggest that Robyn Nevin, queen of Australian theatre, will play Glinda,
while I'm expected to play Elphaba and Irene from Home and Away will play Madam
Morrible. There's also talk Shane Warne may be in the production. The STC Actors Company
is likely to fill out the ensemble, making this a partly government-funded production.
In other news, Putting it Together's Belinda
Wollaston appears to have hit a fork in the road. She claimed that the culprit fork made a
mess of her front-driver's-side tyre and she would be consulting Bridgestone about cutting
a deal for a replacement in coming days. No news yet on if Lucy Durack was involved in the
placing of the fork.
Tony-Award winning musical Titanic will, according to this website, open
at the Theatre Royal in October, with some cynics already claiming that it will be a flop.
Given that it has a magnificent score, sensitive and sophisticated lyrics, a well-paced
narrative, intelligent character-arcs, and original music from the multi-award
winning composer of Nine it seems to me that suspicions of it flopping in
Australia are entirely correct. A protest march will take place at the Theatre
Royal next Monday led by the production team of Dirty Dancing,
who are demanding that narrative-driven musicals with well-structured
scripts and believable and moving characters be removed from our stages before all is
lost. I will provide further news of the protest as it comes to hand.
Just on Titanic, I hope the musical has a different ending to the movie.
It just depressed me. And I had to close my eyes several times because Kate Winslet
whipped out her 14C's. I don't want to see any of our lovely young theatre performers, all
of whom are innocent angels and beautiful beautiful beautiful, whipping out their breasts
in this musical. It just wouldn't be lady-like.
In other news, investigations continue as to the whereabouts of Tim Draxl and Lucy
Durack who have been on the run for the past two weeks after viciously slaughtering the
American miniature Poodle, Sheila Hoolihan-Hearsay, at an undisclosed location in New
South Wales. It is believed the pair can only run for so long before they are spotted at
an opening night, a benefit or a clothing store, at which point police will swoop and
press charges for the calculated slaying of the innocent pooch.
To end this weeks column, I would like to announce that "Hannah
Hoolihan-Hearsay's Top Ten List Of Hottest Musical Theatre Performers in Australia...As
Chosen By You" will be appearing in the next issue. To nominate a performer for the
list, please email me on my exclusive email address - hannahlikespies@aussietheatre.com. I
shall write a detailed theatrology of their careers before the inaugural winner
is announced on May 1. With a special poem dedicated to them by me.
There is no news yet on the re-instatement of the 430 bus to the Wharf in Sydney,
which is terrible news, as whenever I am in Sydney I make use of the bus to get to and
from the theatre. I am organising a benefit concert for the re-instatement of the bus as
we speak.
Until next week, theatregoers, keep going to all that
theatre. And remember - buying a ticket is like giving blood. The thespian
vein cannot stay hard without your continued support.
All my love,
HH-H. xx
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 9
Thursday, March 30
Sheila is dead.
This is a heartbroken Hannah Hoolihan-Hearsay writing live from her very own laptop in an
undisclosed location.
That's right theatregoers. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my American
Miniature Poodle, Sheila Hoolihan-Hearsay, was found dead in our sauna just over two days
ago. Mum insists that Sheila obviously ran into the sauna when nobody was looking and the
door shut behind her trapping her, without water, in the hotroom for two days. However, I
have other theories.
On Tuesday evening, just after 2am (the very night of the death), I woke to strange noises
outside my window. At first i thought it was Dad, having found our secret location. But
then I realised that I could hear not only a young man's voice (and a voice I know VERY
well), but also the sweet-as-saccharine voice of a young woman. "This way,
Fluffy," I heard the woman's voice whisper. Then I heard shared giggles and the sound
of feet running away. I went back to sleep thinking it was just the residue of some odd
dream, until two days later I finally found Sheila, like a diamonte-collared-sultana,
shrivelled on the floor of the sauna. I will not say anymore now as I am still
investigating the murder, but believe you me - I am onto it. And I am very, very upset.
But I won't name any names.
In other news, it appears LUCY DURACK and TIM DRAXL have started
dating.
National Australian Musical Theatre Company "Kookaburra" is in for some tough
competition if rumours this week are true. Jeanne Little, star of...star
of...?...Australian star Jeanne Little has apparently announced, this week, the launch of
her new company "Platypus National Music Theatre Company". Sources suggest that
"Bilby National Music Theatre Company" and "Wombat Productions" are
also on their way. They are rumours that have irritated Tony Barber who had planned for a
"Dugong Theatre Company" - sharknetted in its early stages because of lack of
funding.
Speaking of Australian theatre, I went to see the opening night of Dusty here in
Sydney. This is my second viewing of the lesbian-musical, and I must say I notice more
about this production every time I see it. Mitchell Butel's performance continues to
astound me. He has managed to play homosexual very accurately in this production. I always
wonder what actors like he and Tamsin do to research this kind of dark stuff. Are there
books written on it? Or do they actually go out and "live it up" with lesbians
and what not? This is why actors are obviously paid so much. It's not always fun and
games, theatregoers. Not always fun and games.
That is all from me this week. Unfortunately news from the rumour-mill has been limited
due to the untimely death of Sheila this week. But rest assured, theatregoers, I will have
a mass of information on all the new productions that are on the boil in our thriving
industry.
Until next week, keep going to all that theatre.
NB: If anyone knows if Lucy Durack keeps pets, please write direct to this website and all
mail will be forwarded onto me.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 8
Monday, March 20
This is Hannah Hoolihan writing live from her very own
laptop in an undisclosed location.
That's right theatregoers, as my career is growing at a rapid rate, and the name is now
available, I have decided to be known henceforth as Hannah Hoolihan. Mum is happy that I
have scrapped dad's surname.
Sheila is doing well. I took her to a dog psychologist last week and he said she was
suffering from body image problems. He has told me I must motivate her to go out and meet
new dogs in the neighbourhood until she gets some confidence back. She is back onto dry
food now, which is a good sign.
Hot off the press this week, rumours are flyng about that a new Australian musical is in
the pipeline. "Wandin Valley: The Musical" is set to go into workshop in the
middle of the year. Based on the hit tv series of the 80's and 90's, A Country Practice,
"Wandin" is a musical starring five women, each of whom plays the role of
"matron" throughout the show. Songs included are "The Saline Solution
Rag", "Red, Hot and Bandaged" and "The Road to Burradin". It is
rumoured that Joan Sydney will play the first matron as is tradition, with the opening
number "Get Him Into Ops, Stat". Said to be the big hit of the show, Sydney is
rumoured to be singing "Why Won't You Love Me, Terrence Elliot?", and rumours
suggest a cameo from Shane Porteous may be a possibility. I will share more news as it
comes to hand.
In a bizarre turn of events, musical theatre mega-star Tim Draxl has vanished. Nobody
knows where he is. Don't ask me. I didn't do it. What? You can't open my boot without a
warrant.
Hotly anticipated musical "Dusty" is set to open at the Star City Casino this
week. Dusty, based on the American lesbian of the same name, has had rave reviews in
Melbourne and is set to do great business in Sydney, where there are lots of people...like
Dusty...around. It's alright. I have seen the show, and I am alright with that kind of
thing. You only have to close your eyes for two scenes and that's it. The rest of it has
lots of costumes and dancing that make you not even remember that two lesbians are even in
it.
There are bigger stories in the world of theatre though
- such as the 430 bus to The Wharf in Sydney being cancelled. I can't possibly handle
talking about it but the STC website, www.sydneytheatre.com.au,
has got it covered. There's also a nice picture of a bus.
Until next week theatregoers, keep going to all that theatre- and close your eyes in the
strange parts!
Hannah Hoolihan. x
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 7
Friday, February 24
This is Hannah Hearsay writing live from her own laptop
in her very comfortable new secret hideout. You are not going to believe the bounty of
news I have for you this week, theatregoers. First of all, an update on me - I have been
informed that there is some argument over my identity. I can tell you who I am:
I am Hannah Hearsay.
 Hearsay
is, of course, not my true last name. I still hold the surname of my father, but due to
the high-risk nature of that situation, I mustn't share it. I have, however, included a
photo of myself in this week's column to set your minds at ease. This is my headshot:
Should there be a producer in town reading this article - my stats are:
Height: 5'5
Weight: 12kgs.
Bust: Ample, but not distracting.
Hips: Swingin'.
In other news, Sheila is recovering from the squirts and is settling in nicely at our
secret hideout. She is finding the constant crying in the house difficult, but she will
get over it. Sheila, I mean, not mum. Mum's never going to get over it. Poor thing, she,
Trevor and I were at a preview of Class of '77 last week and she was sure she saw
Dad sitting in C17 and panicked, so I only saw the first half before we had to sneak out
and drive home in the BM.
In industry news, Portia, my best friend, told me that her best friend Mercedes told her
that her Aunty Festiva (they are from a Spanish family) heard that a musical about a
"big ship" would be opening in Sydney later this year. I think if it's true,
it's a stupid decision. The Star Princess is pretty, but it does not deserve to have a
musical made about it. Mum and I took a trip on it last year to go to Thailand after
saving up the alimony money... and nothing really happened. The best song I can think of
for a musical about it would be "Watching Mum Cry Into Her Bacardi and Coke".
But watch this space for further news on "Thai Panic"...that's the title I would
work with.
The big news coming out of America is that Les Solomon is returning to Broadway.
Apparently he will try to be in the west end and Broadway at the same time - which is
really confusing. Also the report I read said he was miserable, which is a shame.
Apparently he's going to be in the big apple for six months. I couldn't believe Les was so
big over there - he's got some fantastic press out of this whole thing.
Finally - I have been to see Dusty. I would like to review it in poetry
format, as the entire show to me was, just that - poetry. So here goes: An Ode To
Dusty...
Dusty you were a les-bee-an,
Born and bred in Queen-bee-yan
A musical in your name was writ
And it is a big, bright, belting hit.
Like Allen, you were an Aussie star
Who drifted onto shores a-far
You kissed Deni Hines
And sniffed lots of lines
Oh Dusty... Australian Legend.
Wait. Portia is here and she is telling me that...hang on, Portia is interrupting. One
moment please, theatregoers.
Portia just told me that Dusty wasn't Australian. But why is there an Australian
musical written about her?
Oh, Portia tells me you can be Australian but write musicals about people from other
countries as well.
Very well, let me start again:
Dusty you were... American,
Born and bred as a les-bee-an
A musical in your name was writ
And it is a big, bright, belting hit.
Like Allen, you were an American star
who travelled to Aussie shores- afar.
You kissed Deni Hines,
and forgot the lines
to the song about windmills in your mind(s).
That is my ode to Dusty.
Until next week theatregoers - keep going to all that theatre.
Love Hannah.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 6
Friday, February 10
Hello theatregoers. This is roving reporter, Hannah
Hearsay, writing from her very own laptop at her mum's house in...I can't tell you.
That's right, theatregoers. Mum, Sheila and I have had to move to a secret location
because Dad has gone bad again and wants mum to stop seeing my Stepdad, Trevor. He said
that if Trevor wasn't out of the house by April then something bad would
happen...something really bad. So mum, Sheila and I have changed our hair-do's and mum has
filed for an AVO. Mum has a blonde bob and is wearing groucho marx glasses and I have a
shaved head. He will never recognise us. Anyway, It's all been very dramatic and not the
way I wanted to spend the first month of the year, particularly after such a wonderful
trip to America. Bitter irony is that it was all dad's child support money that paid for
the trip and, incidentally, Sheila too.
Sheila is missing America terribly and is suffering from anxiety-diarreah. The vet says
it's quite a common ailment amongst miniature poodles. I remember suffering from it myself
once, too. When they announced that Tim Draxl was leaving for the US a few years ago, it
was like...well, let's just say it was like how Sheila has been behaving, and not a pretty
thing to talk about. She's made an awful mess of my Prada handbag, poor little thing.
Now onto theatre. Well HATS OFF TO THE LEGENDS has come and gone, leaving room for the
next big benefit. I attended Hats Off and I have to say, it was one of my favourtie
Benefits yet! So far my list of benefits, in order, is as follows:
1. Hats off to the Legends/Tsunami Benefit
2. Hats off to Sondheim
3. Light the Knight
4. Hats On - A Church Benefit. This was a strange benefit which was put together to ask
people to stop raising money for the Hats Off Concerts because it was promoting and
assisting the spread of wayward behaviour. It wasn't very good and only a few people from
the Miss Saigon cast of '97 sang.
Anyway, Hats Off to the Legends was wonderful because finally, great actor/singers were
sourced to perform. Proper actors like Maria Venutti. The most exciting performance of the
night, for me, though, was from a French girl called Clare De Lune. I knew I had seen her
before, and then I realised - she was the girl who played Baby Cossette in the original
tour of Les Mis. She has grown into a very pretty singer and we should keep an eye out for
her. She would make a lovely Galinda. If I can't do it.
In other news, I have officially started rehearsals for Bombshells: 2 for CTC. There are
alot of words to learn, but I have discovered an easier way of learning them. Just cut
some out. Sometimes the writer has written a page or so of rambling and all you need to do
is just say the first sentence, a sentence from the middle and then the last sentence. I
didn't realise it could be so easy. For example, in Death of a Salesman, we take Willy's
speech in Act Two about his father. Instead of doing the whole boring thing, you just say:
Willy: Oh, yeah, my father lived many years in Alaska (*cut, cut, cut*). Things were sad
on alotta trains for months after that (*cut, cut*). They don't know me anymore.
See? Easy.
Oh my GOD! NO! I'm sorry Theatregoers! Sheila's just lost her lunch all over my mother's
wig and I have to clean it up.
Until next week, keep going to all that theatre.
All my love, Hannah.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 5
Monday, January 16
This is Hannah Hearsay writing from her very own laptop
at her mum's house in Cheltenham.
Hello Theatregoers! I have been on a hectic trip this
Christmas and have just returned, very tired and with two new suitcases full of
programmes...and my very own miniature poodle, whom I have named "Sheila". It
looks just like Paris Hilton's. Only it's a poodle.
Broadway was a little disappointing. Compared to
Australia, they have barely any shows. And the shows they DO have are really very
old-fashioned and not up at all with current trends. Audiences over there don't have any
sense of drama and sophistication. Not like here.
I spent alot of time wishing that they could see
really up-to-date shows like Topol stars in Fiddler on the Roof or at least
have the guts to do something theatrically solid and sophisticated... like Dirty
Dancing. Instead, they have this rubbish like "Bridge and Tunnel",
"Rabbit Hole", "A Touch of the Poet", "The
Woman in White", "The Odd Couple", "Spamalot",
"Ring of Fire", "Lestat", "Barefoot in the
Park", "Chita Rivera: The Dancer's Life", "Wicked",
"Jersey Boys", and a musical reworking of "The Color Purple".
Barely anything. GET WITH THE TIMES NEW YORK. DO SOMETHING COURAGEOUS - THEN
MAYBE YOU WILL SEE SOME AUDIENCE.
I saw Chita and even Avenue Q - gee,
that Gary Coleman puppet is really life-like. I didn't get to see Sweet Charity,
which was a shame. It's my all-time favourite show. I wish I had an email address to pay
tribute to it. But I saw plenty of Sex and the City re-runs on cable, so that
made me pretty happy. Ahh Carrie, what better person in this world? I model my life on
her. We both have our own laptops.
They have a lot to learn from our thriving industry, is
all I can say. And it's good to be back.
I hear Dusty is going well.
News on the rumour mill is at an all time high,
I am pleased to say! And what more could we expect!? According to sources, the current
Sydney Festival is our best seller to date! Homegrown Aussie production
companies have produced shows like "The Andersen Project", "Twelfth
Night" and "Tristan and Yseult", showing on our main stages.
It's so thrilling to see that the money our government gives us is going to the
exploration and development of fabulously entertaining pieces like these.
I noticed "Tristan and Yseult" was
workshopped in a suburb called Cornwall, (out near Bankstown I hear?) Wow! even the
arts industries in our rural areas are getting the funding they deserve to
create wonderful pieces of entertaining theatre. Go Cornwall! You are making your fellow
Australians proud!
In other news, The "Benefit Benefit Benefit"
is in pre production. This concert will be staged in March to raise money for a Benefit
concert that will raise money for a Benefit concert that will raise money for a Benefit
that, as yet, is undecided. But watch this space.
Anyway. That's all for this week, theatregoers. Keep
going to all that theatre.
Love Hannah
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 4
Friday, December 23
Season's Greetings! This is Hannah Hearsay writing from
her very own laptop in her bedroom in Cheltenham. That's correct, theatre-goers, I have my
own laptop now! My mum's divorce money came through so I got an earlly Christmas present
from generous Old Daddy Claus!
Now for this weeks top stories. According to sources, the musical "The Light In The
Piazza" is to grace our commercial theatre stages in the new year, for an estimated
two week run. Based on the controversial South-East Asian drug-laws, and rumoured to be
starring a certain previous winner of Australian Idol in the role of 'the piazza', the
musical is an hysterical take on the lives of three young models who meet in a Balinese
jail. According to the York Times, "... The Light In The Piazza is an hysterical
night of mystery, mayhem and marijuana. Who converts? Who is falsely accused and who gets
hanged? We won't give away any secrets here, but by golly, will you be surprised!"
Tim Draxl will not be in it.
In even bigger news, the new company CTC will open in the new year. CTC, The Cheltenham
Theatre Company, will be opening its inaugural season with the Australian Premiere of
"Bombshells 2". An essential one woman play, B.S.2 will feature a young,
high-profile Chletenham newcomer to play the role of Caroline O'Connor.
There is ONE part in the play for a boy. But Tim you can't be in it.
Rumour has it that David Hasselhof, star of this year's "Wicked Vigil" (a
printing error called it "Carols in the Domain" in some newspaper tv guides),
will appear in his own One Man Show at Bar Me in January. Claiming that "he likes the
space", Hasselhof was attracted to the venue after seeing David Campbell's show last
month. DAVID CAMPBELL'S SHOW, Tim, not yours. Call me you b*st*rd. Actually, don't call
me. It's over. There, I made the decision. I dumped you, Tim. Don't tell your friends any
different.
That's all from me for this festive season edition of my column. I will be back in the new
year with two breaking stories that you will never believe
All my love, and here's looking forward to a bumper year of theatre in our theatre hungry
nation.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 3
Wednesday, December 7
This is Hannah Hearsay writing LIVE from her mum's
laptop in Cheltenham.
I'll make no bones about it. It has been a disastrous
week in the Australian Theatre milieu this week.
Bringing it to you first, I can officially confirm
that Wicked will NOT be coming to the Australian stage in the near
future. It has been CANCELLED. Who could predict something like this could have happened,
given the amount of money the performing arts industry in our country has
to assist production on fantastic shows like this?
Dandenong Primary School, however, have confirmed
a two night season of "The Wizard of Oz" in their local Institute Hall
next November, so that is, at least, something. A candlelight vigil for Wicked
will be held in The Domain in mid-December to raise funds and awareness for the
"Where's Wicked?" campaign. Sure, the performers at the vigil will be
television stars trying their best to warble Christmas Carols to the candle-clad
crowd, but, rest assured, it is a Benefit Concert to raise funds for
Wicked and it's followers. Green ribbons will be on sale at a stall that you probably
won't see. Ironically, like the show itself.
In other news, stage and screen star Tim Draxl doesn't
return text messages. Ever. But I don't mind. When something is yours it is yours,
and nothing can change that, Tim. Nothing. You are mine and no matter how often you joke
around and say "Leave me alone, Hannah" or "I've signed a thousand
headshots for you already", nothing will change that fact. So answer your
G*D D*MN PHONE. You sang "Where or When" to me that night. And you know it.
In other news, everyone is waiting with baited breath
to find out, on Dec. 11, who will be labelled "Cabaret Idol" at this year's
Cabaret Showcase at the El Rocco room at Bar Me. The venue has been packed to the
brim with pattering-hopefuls, all vying for the coveted prize. At least 10,000 tickets
have already been sold for Heat Three, this Friday night. But there are still A-reserve
seats available. I have yet to attend, but have heard on the rumour mill that
international stage star Madeleine Kahn was seen leaving the venue at the close of Heat
Two last week.
That's all from me this week. As always, this is Hannah
Hearsay, brining it to you first.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 2
Tuesday, November 29
This is roving reporter, Hannah Hearsay, writing LIVE
from her mum's laptop in Cheltenham.
Hi guys! After a hectic week doing callbacks for Wicked, I am once again at my
computer. I must admit I am pretty tired - Defying Gravity is a really difficult sing.
Particularly for the other girls that auditioned. I am up to my fourth callback. I think
they are now looking at me more for Elphaba. They said "anyone can do Galinda".
Now, for this week's confirmations - Priscilla Queen of the Desert will be
produced in Australia in 2006. Unfortunately, talk abounds that it will contain original
music and not Abba songs. I think this is a nail in the show's pink coffin - a musical
with Abba songs is just what Australia is crying out for at the moment. Producers have
stated that Priscilla will be the first of a trilogy of Australian musicals.
After it is staged, work commences on Romper Stomper! - The Musical followed by Chopper
in the Arena.
Also on the rumour mill are whispers of a new benefit concert. The inaugural "See Me
Do My Stuff Again" concert will kick off in January. All proceeds will be going
towards helping people to raise money to put on other benefit concerts. This deserves your
support as benefit concerts are a great platform for performers to strut their stuff when
musicals aren't on. The event will be hosted by Tim and Myself. Tim Draxl, that is. And
Me. Tim and Me. Timandmetimandmetimandme.
That's all from me tonight! Here's to another week of watching the various goings-on in
our thriving and exciting industry. Imagine if we were in a country where the arts weren't
supported and funded. It doesn't bare thinking about.
Until next we meet, this has been Hannah Hearsay, bringing it to you first.
----
Hannah Hearsay: Column 1
Monday, November 21
This is roving reporter, Hannah Hearsay, writing LIVE
from her mum's laptop in Cheltenham.
Breaking news from the theatre world today as Agro (Thompson), made famous by his
appearance on the hit children's TV series of the eighties Agro's Cartoon Connection,
announced that he is set to star in the smash hit musical Avenue Q in January.
Despite rumours, Avenue Q has been in secret rehearsals for the last four days
and will be opening at Sydney's Her Majesty's Theatre for a 5 year run from January 12.
Controversially, Agro will not be playing a puppet, but will puppeeteer and voice the role
of Gary Coleman.
"This is a once in a lifetime opportunity," said Agro from his home in East
Ryde, "Finally the Australian public will see me as something more than just a bit of
old brown material with an annoying voice." Described as 'an actor with bountiful
range', Agro is apparently more talented at puppeteering than he is at simply being a
puppet. Inspired as a child, he claims, by Diff'rent Strokes, Agro is thoroughly
looking forward to manipulating the role of Gary Coleman. Helpmann talk already abounds.
In other news, producers claim that Wicked is still set to hit the boards next
year. I have an audition for Galinda next sunday night and will be called back within
days, according to me. The search is currently on for an actress with green skin to play
Elphaba - a hurdle that producers have been tackling for months. Home and Away's
Bobbi, who has been dead for years, is apparently the front-runner and will be exhumed for
her audition in coming weeks.
Finally, hot off the press, Tim Draxl has fallen in love. With me. I Love you Tim. I.
Love. You. Text me or something. I think about you day and night.
Until next we meet, this has been Hannah Hearsay bringing you all the latest news about
our Theatre-Hungry Nation.
DISCLAIMER: The Hannah Hearsay column
is satire and is intended to be taken in that way. Hannah Hearsay is merely a professional
speculator and rumour-monger and nothing she says should be taken as gospel. Or seriously. |
